Out to eat...

Who doesn't love to go out to eat?

Right?

Hop in the car and whiz across town filled with anticipation. Leaving the house you can almost taste your favorite flavor, your nose grows just to get closer to the smells of garlic fries and melted cheese, you can imagine the door opening, the comfy booth - it's on.

Having a pregnant wife is a lot like hanging out with a drunk friend. From one moment to the next, a friend liquored up on 9 shots of Cuervo Gold can be less than predictable. Sometimes the pregnancy makes her all silly with love, tears in her eyes, she just can't tell you how much she loves you. At other times, its like the tequila goggles of pregnancy color me criminal for the slightest offense. Anyone who's coached a best bud on a bender back to sobriety knows that the emotional roller coaster eventually stops; the key is to stay calm and remember as much as you can so you can remind them later of the things they said to the waitress.

One thing is for certain: Drunks and Pregnant women love to eat.

Its Friday night. We decide to go to our favorite place to eat. She has the veggie burger every time. Its the same veggie burger she had on our first date there. The same one she had on our way to the movies and the same one she had the night we left town for the weekend...long and short: She's had this burger before.

Everything is a first to a woman carrying a child.

The poor college coed who greeted us at table side had no idea what she was getting into when she suited up in all black this evening. She sauntered up with a causal grin expecting a drink order and and a green salad order from the beautiful blond at the table across from me. My wife is 14 weeks pregnant today, but nobody could spot her baby bump hidden behind a sweater and under the table; she is 109 pounds soaking wet and the only baby weight she seems to gain is in the baby. This poor waitress couldn't have seen the questions coming.

Are there sprouts on the burger?
In the burger?
The Bun?

The woman in black must have seen this behavior before, from women swollen from head to toe with babiness, but she must have looked at my gal and thought, "Gees lady, you got it bad for those sprouts huh?"

I don't know who produced the list of foods that you can't eat when you are pregnant, but seriously? Are they trying to kill me? No coffee, sprouts, no Mexican cheese? I don't know that I have ever even eaten a sprout or had a Mexican cheese sandwich, but sure enough for the past 14 weeks, we have been on the look out!

Dinner is served.

There it is. The moment we have looked forward to. We enjoyed the foreplay of the drive across town and the flirtations of the fancy menu, it was time to get down to it.

Except for the spread.

"Has this always had spread?"
"What do you think this spread is made of?"
"Can I have 1000 Island?"
"I think I heard Mayonnaise is not pasteurized."
"Could that be true?"
"Is this mayonnaise based?"

And the scraping begins.

"Do you want me to ask her for another bun?"

Scrape..."No."

"Honestly, it would be no trouble, I'm sure this happens all the time."

Scrape..."No."

Foiled.

The best veggie burger in town. The stand by. The go to in a pinch night out on the town. Foiled by the potential for sprouts and the reality of the 1000 island spread. Once the scraping was complete and the side of the plate had a little lake of 1000 Islands to be avoided at all costs, the burger went down as smooth as ever, but it was tainted, I could see it, and there was no getting past it.

It's only funny because its true, and when my wife sobers up from these 9 months of baby induced intoxication, she will know I love her for coaching her through it, and I will be here to remind her of all the things she said in front of the waitress.